Implementing revision plan
I am attaching the paper, make sure you read the comments and answer the questions on how you would improve the paper.
What are the most important revisions you plan to make to improve your Synthesis Workshop Draft, and where exactly in your draft do you need to make these changes? Define your revision plan by identifying three revision priorities you have for improving the content, organization, and/or style of your draft. Keep in mind that revising can include adding new content, taking out or re-working irrelevant content, re-organizing content, creating transitions or topic sentences, improving your style (diction, tone, voice), and even re-writing sections of your draft to achieve the assignment goals more successfully. Identify your three revision priorities. Point to specific places in your draft where you need to make the revisions you define.
Where do you see an important opportunity to revise your Synthesis Workshop Draft, what is your revision (change related to content, organization, or style), and why do you believe this revision makes your essay more effective? Implement your revision plan by illustrating one important revision you’re making to improve the content, organization, and/or style of your draft. Show us the original (unrevised) version from your draft, show us the new (revised) version, and explain (in two or three sentences) why you believe the revision makes your essay more successful. (For instance, if you realize that your thesis needs revision, then state your original thesis word-for-word, state your revised thesis word-for-word, and then offer us an explanation of why your new thesis is stronger.)